Sports Round Table

Jack -

Good evening folks and welcome to tonight’s edition of “Sports Round table.” I’m Jack Fitzgerald and boy hasn’t it been some sort of weekend in sports. Our beloved Baltimore Crabs have won game six of the World Series and are forcing a final and decisive game seven show-down with the Colorado Ball-Busters. It’s all down to the wire and you just feel the excitement permeating throughout the city. The Crabs literally came out of nowhere to dominate the Eastern League and have done great in the playoffs. So without much further ado, let me introduce our panel for the evening. First up, we have Tony Winkler, writer for the Observer. Welcome aboard Tony, this is your first time with us right?

Tony -

Uh yes, it is Jack. Glad to be here.”

Jack -

What do think of the Ball-Busters getting the Crabs in game 7, Tony?”

Tony -

You know? I have to honestly say that I’m not sure. It could go either way.”

Jack -

Well, the Crabs have much better pitching than the Colorado Ball-Busters, so that helps them quite a bit.”

Tony -

Yeah, you’re right.”

Jack -

On the other hand, the Ball-Busters are a strong defensive team.”

Tony -

Yeah, that’s true too. It certainly should be a battle.”

Jack -

Well, um, thank Jack. Next, we have Billy-Bob Calhoun, columnist for the Baltimore Times-Picayune Herald Rocketeer. As you know, Billy-Bob used to be wide receiver for those great football teams from the eighties from the University of Mississippi at Dumbass, and he always has a colorful way of looking at things. Why he's doing commentary for a football game is anybody’s guess, but there you go. Anyway Billy-Bob, what do you think?”

Billy Bob -

“Well, I’ll tell you what. If I’m a Crab, I’m expecting to go at least seven games.”

Jack -

'Tomorrow is the seventh game, big guy.”

Billy Bob -

“Oops, my bad, you’re right. I guess my football helmet came off one too many times. I don’t see it going beyond six though. I was talking to Crabs manager Lorimar Larue and he said to me ‘You know Billy-Bob? Whenever you have strong pitching, you’ll win. You have to have the arms with the strength of a pissed-off mule and that’s all there is to it. If you don’t get the ball over the plate then you might as well kiss your Aunt Sadie goodbye and hug your Uncle Lester. Don’t even think about saying hi to your cousin Cletus.’ And you know somethin’? He’s positively right on. They probably won't get more than two yards a play anyway”

Jack -

Don't forget that this is a baseball game now.

Billy-Bob -

Oh yeah.

Jack -

“The Crabs do have the definite advantage by having the two best hitters in the game. Of course we're talking about Kwanzi Washington and Hector “Pepe” Valenzuela and they could cause the Ball-Busters to have all kinds of trouble. Tony?”

Tony -

“Yeah, those two guys will want to make the Ball-Busters run away and join the Foreign Legion, that’s for sure. It's a good thing they weren't caught in all that steroid testing”

Jack -

“Hitters like that just foam at the mouth at the prospects of playing in a stadium like ‘Northern United Telecomm and Subsidiaries Field at Lamar Place’ because of the short right field. You’ll be seeing some shots fly out of there steroids or not. In fact they’ve already hit sixteen home runs in this series alone. Tony?”

Tony - “Yeah. Ain't that something?

Jack - “Billy-Bob, how do you think these stats reflect on the Crabs pitching?

Billy-Bob -

“When I was talking to head Ball-Buster, manager, Rusty Talcum, who’s a pecan-pie-eating good ole’ boy from Alabama if I ever saw one, and he stated that the one thing these guys need to have is a ball that just hovers above the right hand corner of the plate a little, stays a little to the left and then twists back into the catcher’s mitt. He said that’s what he will be looking for. If Washington and Valenzuela see pitches like that, they’ll be hitting the ball so hard that the horsehide will be looking for the horse. They will be rockin’ down the old ball yard, that’s for damn sure! Especially in the third quarter!”

Jack -

“Baseball, Billy-Bob, baseball! Speaking of Washington, we were able to grab an interview with Kwanzi earlier today right after he hit three fans in the parking lot with his Humvee. Here’s what he had to say.”

Washington -

“What we need to do is to stay focused! We can’t be thinking of tomorrow, the next day after that or even the next week! You know why!? Because after tomorrow, there is no tomorrow! We have to take it one day at a time and concentrate on what we need to do! If we start off slow tomorrow, then we’ll have to catch up because the Ball- Busters have great pitching and they have caught us napping all through this series! We been whackin’ the ball like a rented mule, but we’ve also given up 87 friggin' runs! We have to stay focused and think about what’s at hand! All we have to do is score more runs than they do! That’s the bottom line! Are they a tough team? You bet your sweet ass they are! Yeah, they’re a tough team but we have to be tougher! The rest of the season means nothing at this point! You hear me?! Nothing! It’s a one-game series and that’s why have to stay focused! That’s how you win ball games! As far as Kwanzi Washington goes, he has to realize that not every pitch is specially designed for Kwanzi Washington! Kwanzi Washington needs to take anything that comes down and that’s when Kwanzi Washington has to really step up to the plate! DO YOU HEAR WHAT I'M SAYIN'?! AFTER TOMORROW, THERE IS NO TOMORROW! AND, WE HAVE TO STAY FOCUSED!

Jack -

“Well, Tony what do you think?”

Tony -

“Some pretty strong words from a strong competitor. Why is he so ticked off?”

Jack -

“I think one of the reasons is that they can't find a hat to fit him since his head went up three sizes. What do you think Billy-Bob?

Billy-Bob -

“When I spoke to the Crab's bat-boy, Walter Abercrombie, he said that if Kwanzi is on his game then the Ball- Busters can just pull up their pants and call a cab because they ain’t getting any tonight. All hell is gonna break loose. He said he will make sure Kwanzi has all the comforts of home so he can stay loose and focus. Roosevelt really feels strongly about that. He also said Kwanzi requires full use of a Lazy-Boy recliner, plenty of water bottles, and a yoga mat always nearby so he can meld with the spirits. Not to mention the twelve human growth hormone shots. Once he feels the karma, then its ‘Katie, bar the door, daddy’s coming home with a snoot full and all he wants is you.

Don’t forget now, about my little friend from the country where tacos are king, Hector "Pepe" Valenzuela. For a guy that only stands five feet-three, he packs a pretty mean wallop in that bat of his. That bat hits the ball harder than two-dollar whore’s head hitting a headboard while getting a little "how-do-you-do" if you know what I’m sayin’.Of course, his 52 inch biceps might have something to do with that. Plus he can run like ten cops are chasing him. He could easily rack up 100 yards if he gets the ball enough! If I’m Roosevelt and batting after Valenzuela, I’m thinking “Oh baby, daddy’s gonna get some sugar tonight!

Jack -

“Speaking of Valenzuela, I understand we have him on the line now for a live interview.”

Hector -

“Hola?” (Hello?)

Jack -

“Hector, I hope you’re feeling okay. How do you feel about facing the Ball-Busters tonight?”

Hector -

“Que?” (What?)

Jack -

“I said, how do you feel about dealing with the Ball-Busters tonight?”

Hector -

“Que? Que?” (What?! What?!)

Jack -

“Hector, can you hear me? I don’t think he can.”

Hector -

“Yo no puedo dir nada.” (I can’t hear anything.)

Jack -

“Apparently we are having some technical difficulties.

Hector -

“Quita esta camara fuera de mi cara! (Get this camera out of my face! )

Jack -

“It’s just the wonder of live television. Anything can happen.”

Hector -

“De todas maneyas. Que demonios yo estoy haciendo aqui? (What the hell am I doing here anyway?)

Jack -

While we’re waiting for the bugs to be worked out, we’ll wrap it up with our final segment in which our experts make their own predictions. How about you Tony?”

Tony -

“I pick the Crabs, I guess.”

Jack -

“Wish to add anything to that?”

Tony -

“No, not really.”

Jack -

“Why are you even here Tony?”

Tony -

“I’m afraid I don’t know that either. My editor just told me to show up. I usually cover the business page. But, as they say, a buck is a buck.”

Jack -

“Yeah, well thanks for nothing. Let’s end it with Billy-Bob.”

Billy-Bob -

“It’s like the first base coach of the Crabs, Theodore Patzaronga told me while we were knocking back a couple of cold ones and hiding the syringes, if the pitchers pitch and the hitters hit, then this game is gonna be more explosive than my Grandfather after eating the Super Deluxe burrito dinner at Taco Bell. He also said ‘Damn, Billy- Bob, it don’t get much better‘n this’ as he was swatting fly’s out of his face. He said that what the Crabs need to do is play fundamental, heads up ball and stay focused. If the Crabs stay focused and win, you’ll have to slap your Mama because she’s just gonna be so happy. It’s gonna be a rip snorter either way. Who's playing the half-time show?“

Jack -

“Thanks so much Billy-Bob. We always enjoy you’re insightful commentaries. That just about wraps up this edition of ‘Sport Roundtable.’ Don’t forget, if you're in a pool, pick the Crabs! Our next broadcast will be after the big game, win or lose so settle in tomorrow and enjoy the game.”