Even though I had gastric by-pass surgery way back in 2000, by most standards I am still considered a fat guy. The difference now is that I can laugh about it more than I used to. So without further ado, here are ten things a fat guy should never do.
10. Bungee Jumping - I know this sounds obvious but let’s face it, there are a lot of stupid fat guys out there. If a bungee jumping operator allows someone like me to try it, they’re just in it for the money.
9. Parachuting Out Of A Perfectly Good Airplane - Do you honestly think a small parachute would be able to slow down something dropping out of the sky with the approximate speed of an out-of-control freight train? Don’t forget, it’s been said that if you throw a penny off the Empire State Building, it would build up enough speed to tear through someone’s head by the time it reaches the ground. Take that principle and weight and multiply it by ten million. The results will not be pretty.
8. All-You-Can-Eat Buffets - If you are a an all-you-can-eat buffet and you hear a metal click near your ear along with the whispered words, “Slowly and quietly move away from the buffet, fat boy.”, don’t argue. It’s probably the buffet police.
7. Using A See-Saw - Don’t try getting on a see-saw with a child. The only thing you will succeed in doing is pissing off the child and possibly sending him or her flying into the next county. Of course, if two fat guys used one, they could very well, snap the see-saw.
6. Going To A Night Club - Don’t sit in the front row of an insult comic’s concert. You know, a guy like Don Rickles. This is of course unless you just can’t wait to be called “Tiny” all night and want to hear jokes about how the next time you have sex with your wife, you’ll probably kill her by crushing her.
5. Why Ask For It? - Don’t do any gardening yourself. Hire someone to do it for you because if you are on your hands and knees with your butt sticking up for any length of time, some smart-ass neighborhood kid will invariably paint a target on it.
4. Clothing - Never, ever wear a t-shirt that says “Whales Are Our Friends.”
3. Dealing With Cables - Don’t ever get on one of those tram things like you see in the Swiss Alps since they are connected between two very big immovable objects called mountains. If that thing starts to sag, there’s a real good chance it will also snap back up creating all kinds of chaos.
2. Boats - If you’re on a cruise ship, don’t do belly flops into the pool because the displaced water might make the ship list to one side.
1. Space Travel - Don’t jump too hard on a trampoline unless you want to pay a visit to the International Space Station. By the way, if this does happen, at least have the decency to bring coffee
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