My Pre-Surgery Mug Shots. I Was At My Worst In These Pictures. Notice The Futon In The Picture To The Right. That Served As My Bed. On The Right, I Am Doing A Pretty Good Alfred Hitchcock Impression.
The anniversary of my weight loss surgery is coming up again. This year marks my tenth year anniversary. It’s hard to believe because the time has gone by so quickly and so much has happened. I wrote this a little while after I got the surgery but I never did much with it until now.
Now that I have my own blog, I thought I would share it with 27 loyal readers. I hope you like it.
I believe God talks to us every day in some way or another. I honestly don’t think he does so by shooting down bolts of lightning from the heavens, or by setting the back yard bushes on fire. I really don’t think even he is that dramatic. However he does talk to us in ways we can’t even realize and if we’re lucky, we notice.
Right before I finally called the surgeon, a whole bunch of little things happened that caught my attention. They convinced me that this was the way to go.
I was reading the newspaper on my break at work and I saw an article about singer Carnie Wilson. At this point, she recently had this done and the article was commenting on how well she was doing. The difference in her was dramatic. I always thought she was very pretty anyway but now, she was gorgeous. More importantly, she looked very happy. She was becoming the poster child for weight loss surgery and even had her operation broadcast on the internet.
That same day, I also got a call from an acquaintance at work who had this done. The call was about a problem he was having with his computer and he was calling me because I worked on the computer help desk at the time. He was the first person I ever knew personally who had this done.
I had heard of the procedure before but because of him, I finally learned some of the details. Before this call, I met him one day in a local convenience store while I was getting my daily newspaper and a cup of coffee. I hadn’t seen him at work in a while an I was amazed at how different he looked. He had lost all kinds of weight. I told him he looked great and asked if he was feeling okay. I was hoping he lost weight on his own and not because of sickness. He then started to tell me about his weight loss surgery and how great he felt. We talked about it at length, said out goodbyes and that was it.
I saw him around work all the time and there were times when he would be walking to towards me and I really would not recognize him. While I really was very happy for him, at the same time, I have to admit I was also very jealous and envious. When he would say how much his life had changed, in one way, it ticked me off because it was just one more example of how somebody was beating this damned problem and I wasn’t.
When I talked to him on the phone that day, I naturally asked him how he was doing. He said just great. He was down about 180 pounds and was looking forward to losing more. I asked if he had a minute, so I could pick his brain on the subject. I asked questions about the procedure and so on but what really sold me was when I asked him if he would do it again if he had to. When he said would in a heartbeat, it sounded like I was getting the go ahead from someone who knew what he was talking about. I got the assurance that it would be all right. I made the call to the surgeon that very minute.
When I went to visit my surgeon, I asked my wife to come along. Naturally, I wanted her for moral support but maybe she would think ask a question that I wouldn’t have. I wanted to get as much information about this as I could.
At the time, his office was near Fenway Park in Boston. We parked in the garage but we didn’t know where is office was, so we had to walk and kind of got lost. By the time we reached the correct elevator, I was puffing like a train, having to stop every ten feet or so. We got to the office and were escorted into a room.
The surgeon came in and introduced himself. He asked how much I weighed and I told him. He asked if I had any reservations and I said yes. He could see that I was still a little hesitant, so he said wanted to make a list of all the weight loss programs I had been on in my life, no matter how small or trivial. I was actually amazed, and at the asme time, very dismayed, at how long the list was. It went on and on until I had about thirty different programs on it. It dawned on me how much money I had spent over the years. Of course, every one of them had some degree of success but every one of them had also failed.
All through the conversation, he was acting like having this operation was a forgone conclusion. With me being in the sorry state I was in, that was definitely true. There were no discussions about other options, which kind of surprised me. That notion struck me later on. It never ceases to amaze me how strong denial can be. Although I knew how badly off I was, I still thought there would still be other options.
He then told my insurance would cover everything and most likely, a tummy tuck later on. I have to say this really surprised me because I thought the insurance company would have considered an elective surgery and deny it. They have since become much more stringent but back then, it was very simple. So, after hearing that, there really was no excuse now.
I thought I would have to wait a very long time for the surgery date, but his office called the next week and was told me the date had been set. It was to be August 21, 2000. It was now April so I had all that time to embark on the biggest emotional roller coaster ride of my life. This was the very first time that it really sunk in. This really was going to happen.
The surgeon told me that he had certain requirements of all his patients. I had to see his nutritionist so I could learn how to eat all over again. It would be up to her to tell us what to expect when your stomach is the size of a golf ball. What to eat, what not to eat. I also had to try to lose some weight before the surgery.
Of course, the natural reaction to hearing this was “If I could do that, what the hell do I need you for?” What the hell was this guy thinking?
He stated that there are two reasons why I needed to lose some weight before hand. It proves to him that you are truly committed to making this huge lifestyle change and I wasn’t just screwing around. This was going to change everything not only physically but mentally as well. Most of us have no idea what it’s like to be thin and we had to get used to it. I also had to see a psychiatrist just for that very reason.
You would be very surprised at how many people don’t understand that. He had to feel that you were ready for it mentally because otherwise, he was just wasting his time. The reason he would be wasting his time was because if you’re not very careful, the weight will be gained back.
It also made his life easier in the operating room. Without going into gory details, think about what it’s like to have to move around all of that fatty skin?
I also had to see a psychiatrist to determine if I was somewhat sane, a question that has baffled experts for years.
The psychiatrist asked the usual questions about why I wanted this done and did I think that I was ready for a totally new lifestyle. I said yes to everything because at that point I really was. The only other alternative was death and I found no humor in that option at all. After a very good discussion, she agreed that I was ready. That was one hurdle out of the way and after that, I still saw her on a regular basis. She put me on an anti-depressant which is something I should have done years ago because it keeps me on even keel.
I would also have to attend at least three support meetings.
The support meetings were held twice a month. My wife came with me to all of them.They were held at the hospital where the operation was going to be. Unfortunately, the entrance to the hall required us walking up a long flight of stairs. Either that or we could use an equally long ramp on the other side.
When I used to see things like this, I would go into a slow panic. Just the thought of trying to climb that ramp (the stairs were out of the question) was upsetting. No matter where I went, I would scope what I had to do to get inside. A lot of times, if I could not get a space close to the entrance, I would seriously consider just turning around and going home. In fact, a lot of times, I did just that rather than having to deal with it. If I didn’t find either a handicapped space or something just as close, that would be it.
I parked the car as close as I could and started my climb up the mountain. Every step was an effort. Lifting my legs was difficult because each one felt like it weighed a hundred pounds. A small landing was reached after about halfway up the ramp and it was there that I would rest and do the rest of it.
Once I got to the entrance I’d have to rest again so I leaned against the stand up ashtray outside the door. Naturally, I would light up a cigarette, trying to catch my breath.
The meetings would end with a question and answer period with the nutritionist and the surgeon. There was a pretty good turnout, so the questions come fast and furious. There was really a mixed bag of patients. Some were pre-ops, like myself. Others had already had the operation either very recently or were a couple of years out.
The pre-ops asked the most questions. In spite of my sometimes outgoing personality, I’m not one to talk in front of a crowd so I just sat there and listened. As I said, I wanted to get as much information as possible.
Some of the post-ops also got up to talk and share the experience. One lady started talking about how she has felt so great since the operation and how much she has lost. As I was listening to her I could feel myself starting to well up and cry. A flood of emotions just enveloped me and it wouldn’t stop.
My wife looked over and asked me what was wrong. I told her for the first time in my life, after a lifelong struggle, I could finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Would the days of being ostracized and made fun of because of my weight, really be over? Could I really just enjoy life without carrying this burden around every day really be coming true? That was the very first time that it struck me that it was possible and I just couldn’t believe it.
The one fear that everyone has about this surgery, whether they say it or not, is that it is going to fail somehow like all of the other diets we have tried. Overweight people lose and gain and lose and gain, throughout their lives. You hear jokes like “I have gained and lost four thousand pounds since I was a kid.” The thing is that it’s probably very true.
That’s one of the reasons our self-esteem is usually very low and why most of us are depressed. We constantly feel, and are meant to feel, like failures.
Even when we have lost the weight, there is a nagging fear that it won’t last. As a result of this, even though we know that this will be permanent thing, in the back of our minds, we have that dread.
That’s why I was crying. It was right then and there that I decided the best thing I could do was to take the optimistic point of view. I had to believe that this was going to change my life forever, for the good. It is a miracle, but it’s also just a tool. People reading this who have had this done will agree when I say, the doctor fixed us physically but he didn’t fix us mentally. That part was entirely up to me. I had to change the way I thought about food and just about everything else. It was a very foreboding thought.
After leaving the meeting, it was the best I have felt in ages, mentally that is. Now all I had to do was wait.
Next; The Big Day
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