John always looked at the phone sitting on his desk with dread. He had been a bill collector for about six months now and it dawned on him a while ago that he just wasn’t cut out for this line of work.
Every time he picked up the telephone, the receiver felt like it weighed a thousand pounds. He was way too gullible and trusting. The people who had to pay could tell him anything. They could tell him the check was in the mail but it was being routed through Saskatchewan for security reasons, and he would beleive it. That’s why he wasn’t making any commissions. And that’s why his boss was constantly pissed off at him.
One time, a debtor actually told him that his wife had the check in her purse but she forgot to mail it - for three weeks. Then she lost the purse after she walking along the seashore. It seems a seagull thought it was a huge hamburger and snatched it.
“Don’t worry about a thing.” the debtor said, We caught the seagull and we’re going to have the check surgically removed and you should have within two weeks. John was still waiting.
His boss almost burst a vessel when he heard this. He said “God, you’ve got to be ruthless to do this job! You’ve got to be able to send your own MOTHER to the BIG HOUSE if she defaults on her credit card!! “If you’re naïve or have any sort of compassion, you’re screwed! DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! A SEAGULL!! GOOD GOD!!”
After a while though, he did smarten up, but not much. All the lame excuses were starting to get to him. But the one phrase in all of the English language, that made him want to climb the nearest tower with a gun was, “After all, you can’t get blood out of a stone.” He wanted to scream at them and say, “A freaking stone didn’t make this bill, did it?!” But he never did.
However, he still had to do what he had to do. It was either this or going back to selling tacos from a truck. He picked up the receiver and started to dial. He was calling Mr. Harry Russo about an outstanding bill at Good Mercy Hospital.
The charge was for his wife’s stay while giving birth to their son and unlike the baby; the bill was about seven months overdue. The phone rang at least six times before someone picked it up.
“Yeah?” the person answered.
“I’d like to speak to Harry Russo please.” John said.
“You got him, what do you want?”
“This is John Patterson from the We’ll-Get-You-Before-You-Die Collection Agency.”
“Oh yeah…” Russo said. “So?”
“I’m calling regarding a bill from Good Mercy Hospital.”
“What about it?”
“When is it going to be paid?”
“How about right after the next time I pull $1000 out of my ass?”
“That doesn’t answer the question does it?”
“Oh, I don’t know, I thought it was kind of clever. How the hell am I supposed to know? What do you want from me? I got other bills too, you know. Things are really tight right now. The wife can’t work because of the kid.
My job at the peanut butter factory was outsourced to China and because of that, I am now working at Pizza Palace. How am I supposed to get that kind of money?
“Well, you just said you were working.”
“You know what they pay me? Minimum wage and all the calzones I can eat. And the kid don’t like calzones.”
“Well, this bill is important. Maybe the other bills will just have to wait.”
“That’s what the other bills collectors say. Do you guys read from a script or what?”
“Well, I’ve got news for you. If you think we’re going to wait until your son is going to high school then you’re wrong?”
“You know, I don’t like your stinking attitude! I might not pay it just to piss you you off!”
“Oh that’s a good plan. Ruin your credit because I was sarcastic with you and I hurt your feelings. It’s not like you were going to pay anyway!”
“My credit is screwed up beyond comprehension now anyway. You know what happened when I got on line to check my credit status? The computer started laughing at me! I couldn’t ruin it anymore if I tried.”
“Listen, Mr. Russo, this bill has to be paid. Your wife received excellent care at Good Mercy. Aren’t you afraid they might take you to court? It very well could happen!”
“They wouldn’t spend the money on small potatoes like me.”
“Believe me Mr. Russo,” John said getting visibly upset, “it won’t happen that way.”
“Listen, I’ll send you ten bucks a week until it’s paid. How’s that?”
“You’re kidding right?” John said, “If agreed to that, the bill wouldn’t be paid until the next ice age. I’m afraid that this will have to be handled by the lawyers and they will take you to court.
“Why? So a judge can laugh in their faces? How am I supposed to pay?! With my looks? Oh wait, I just thought! I’ll go out to my back yard and pick some money from the money tree. What the hell was I thinking?! There’s the answer!
I’ll say it again. I think you stink and you’ve pissed me off so I think I’m gonna fight this! Maybe I’ll call the State House and report your sarcastic ass! Maybe that will make you happy. Huh? What do you think?!”
“Sarcasm isn’t going to pay this bill!”
“And neither am I. Besides, I’ve told you a hundred times! You think I’m a magician? Besides…”
The following words sounded to John like they were a record going a slower speed etching their way into John’s brain.
“Yooooouuuuuu caaaaannnnn’t geeetttt bloooood oooooouuuut ooooofffffff aaaaaa sssssttttooooonnnneee!”
That did it! That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. The words ran through John’s brain like a buzz saw. He could feel his temperature rising. His fists were clenched, as was his upper torso and hair. He yelled into the phone and his words exploded so loud that all of his co-workers raised their heads from their desks. “Listen! If you don’t pay this bill, I’m gonna repossess your kid!”
Russo screamed back “Go ahead! The little bastard keeps me up all night with his crying anyway! I go through thousands in Pampers alone! That’s part of the reason I don’t have the money to pay you! I can’t watch football anymore or nothin’! The wife is always bitchy and getting on my ass about one dumb-ass thing or another! And sex? Are you kidding me?! Forget about it! Go ahead! See if I care! You’ll be doing me a freaking favor!”
John sat there with a glazed look on his face. A little bit of spittle came out of the side of his mouth. His co-workers were staring in breathless anticipation trying to discern what the debtor had said. John just smiled and dropped the phone. After sitting in silence for a moment, he hung up the phone, started laughing and dialed another number.
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